What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 08:01
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I waited trembling.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.